So Day 8 is What age you were diagnosed at? At what age do you think your symptoms began?
Okay, wow this in a minefield of a question! For a lot of this I can only give you rough ages, as I was either a child or well in a daze of trying to kill myself but I’ll try give you an easy to follow timeline so that you can see the progression of my abuse an illness(es).
For reference, I’m 28 now. Please note, once a symptom has started, it doesn’t go away. It’s carried on until I say, it’s better or gone.
Age 2 or 3: I’m not sure if I had any “symptoms” as in physical or mental back then, nor do I actually remember any abuse – but I remember a number of times been told off for being or saying something rude. Not like a swear word I picked up but things a toddler shouldn’t have any idea about.
Age 6 or 7: Hello anxiety! People who looked a certain way would freak me out, I can remember thinking “please go away, please go away” (they weren’t harming me in any way, they just really scared me), I would not go anywhere alone. If I had to go to toilet during class, I would run like mad to the bathroom and back. I can also remember being so anxious that I would sit on my hands to keep myself from shaking and help keep myself from fidgeting.
Age 8: Abused. (This is the one time I remember and it was the last time it happened).
Age 8-9: After an argument with my mum (nothing at all related to abuse), I discussed running away with one of my friends (as in I talked to them about it, not they were going to come with me). This is when my depression and hopelessness set in and I couldn’t cope with change anymore. That friends family and mine has a disagreement and he wasn’t allowed to hang out with me anymore (we were neighbours), I completely lost it and cried. This was possibly the first time I felt I didn’t want to be here anymore – though I don’t think I thought about actually dying or killing myself.
Age 12: High school, big change and I’m not taking it well. I’m doing great academically but during school hours – I don’t talk hardly at all. Maybe 5 words all day, even to the people I sit with in class and at lunch time. They make fun of me not talking, so I talk even less. I’ve also developed OCD. Anger and meltdowns start to become common place.
[NOTE: At this point in writing this I’m finding it really hard, I never think about all these things all together like this. I know they happened of course but… it’s hard to see it all written down.]
Age 14-15: My OCD is pretty bad. I have a morning routine I stick to and I have before bed routine too. I’ve been late for school a few times because of my compulsions. I’ve also started skipping school, at least one day a week. I just can’t cope with school as much anymore. I don’t get caught, as I know the signs they’re looking for in someone who truants (no I’m not giving anyone any tips! I’m not proud of it!).
Age 16: School got a new employee especially to deal with people who skip school. I switch tactics to cope and fake illnesses to my mum – not as much as I skipped school but I can’t cope with school still. Panicking about finishing high school, I choose a college course that is completely wrong for me but that is “the right thing to do”.
Age 17: Sleep schedule is fucked. 4am bedtimes, 8am wake ups and college full time. I’ve no idea how I was even awake in the day nevermind survived and passed most of the classes. Depression is bad. Thinking of suicide. Self harming starts.
Age 18: My granddad (my abuser) dies. I’m not happy… or sad. Just numb. Anxiety increases to panic attacks. I miss a lot of classes at college, but with the help of my tutor I pass.
Age 19: I’m just going to say it – by this point, I was completely fucked. Suicidal, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, OCD. I’ve no idea at this point that I have PTSD. I’m living my life in fear and my every decision is based on how safe I feel. I have meltdowns and if someone close to me brings me into an unsafe situation… I was super pissed. So angry. I couldn’t understand why myself at this point but I was just so determined to keep me and the people I loved safe.
Age 20: Anxiety diagnosed and depression suspected. Therapist an idiot, so I don’t go back.
Age 22-23: A fuckton of bad things happen in my life, which I won’t go into. But I’m pretty much at my worst point ever. I’m crying myself to sleep, I’m barely eating and I’ve tried to kill myself several times.
Age 24: Got my OCD under control. Started taking Citalopram for my depression and anxiety (luckily for me, I later found it this is what they use to treat PTSD).
Age 25-26: Started abuse counselling. This was not a medical person so no diagnosis work was done. Suicidal thoughts and self harm thoughts are lessening.
Age 27: PTSD diagnosis.
Not going to lie, that was … difficult to write. Actually I don’t really have any words or energy left to “summarise”… so I hope this helps someone reading this. I’m now going to take a shower and eat chocolate.
– Vin
Dangerously Tenacious 