I’m at a point where I’m sort of doing “normal” things okay – like food shopping and other shopping. You know, I can survive better because I can do these things on my own. Yes, these are big things to me but also… “normal” people do other things – I don’t know, hobbies and things. Don’t get me wrong, I have hobbies, just none that require me to go somewhere alone.
And here’s where I hit a snag of sorts and this applies to other issues of mine too sometimes.
If you read my timeline of abuse, you can see that abuse started at a young age… too young for me to remember it happening. I had anxiety by 6 or 7 years old. I’ve probably had PTSD the vast majority of my life… like maybe 2-3 years without it when I was very young.
For me this means there is no before the abuse. I have no regular me to go back to. I have no activities that I can think “I used to love doing that before this happened… I’m going to aim to get back to that”. There is no template for a me without C-PTSD for me to work from.
Sometimes I wonder if I would have been naturally more outgoing, more confident, more able to take advantage of the opportunities thrown my way. Would that girl have put up with bullies? Stayed in an abusive relationship? Who would I be now? Where would I be now if I hadn’t been abused? I guess I’ll never know.
I can only build on this somewhat rickety foundation that I have. Throw out the bad, fix up some things, a little duck tape here and there and hey presto! Wait no that doesn’t look like the picture on the box!
It might seem like I’m over complicating this, and perhaps I am. Really I can do whatever I decide I want to do. I do have interests to build up on after all. But I guess what I’m trying to portray here is that this sort of goal is a bit more… fuzzy.
Shopping is clear. I want to get my shopping without rushing and without anxiety. Shopping may not always be fun but I’d like it to be anxiety free.
Hobbies, clubs, social things? What’s my goal here? Just to not have anxiety? Or what? How do normal people “feel”?
I’m not even sure I’m making sense here.
In a way not having a before can be a good thing. I don’t get the pressure from others or myself (because I pressure myself!) to get back to before asap. And I’m not making light of anyone who is in the situation of having a before because I can completely see how that is also very difficult but for different reasons.
However, not having a before to get back to isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either. It’s starting to scratch like a child going through all the phases of wanting to learn an instrument, going to scouts, dance classes or whatever is of interest that month. Trying things, maybe not liking them – maybe losing interest. Maybe deciding it was a stupid idea. And yet, that’s how kids build their confidence and their independence.
Better leave it there, I feel another whole posts worth of stuff coming on about “arrested development” (which may or may not be the correct term!). Not to mention it’s 1am.