Or… at least I may as well be shouting that sometimes. Not that I’m crazy, unpredictable or a danger to anyone – it’s not those kind of mental health issues that I have.
Not that it matters what kind it is. Heck, sometimes I don’t even get chance to explain what kind I have, why or anything.
Yup, Especially When They Leave.
This happens a lot and this is why new people rarely get close to me.
Let’s rewind and I’ll tell you a little about my experiences in this area.
The first people… well person and subsequently group of friends I lost was a bunch from high school/college. Apparently, if I’m too scared/anxious to go out places, I’m not worth having as a friend.
Secondly, I lost my fiance – although you must understand this wasn’t the main cause of him leaving, the main cause of him leaving was him being a complete jackass – but I digress.
Would you believe he was also suffering from depression and anxiety at the beginning of our relationship? Not by the way he treated me. Apparently he soon forgot what that was like and when I needed him, he pushed me away.
The rest is a long story so lets move on…
From then on, I had to be a bit more careful how who I trusted, who I confided in, who I leaned on for support. But that didn’t stop people from leaving me or completely backing away.
I’ve had friends try to palm me off on someone else, walk away, tell me that they don’t want to know about my depression.
Boyfriends? Forget it.
BF #1: Left because I freaked when I found porn on his PC. And when I say freaked, I don’t just mean – “hey wtf is porn doing on your PC when you’re with me?”. As well as that, I’m talking – I’m freaked the fuck out because I was sexually abused as a child, and I just had flashbacks because your bringing this kind of shit into our relationship and close to me.
In hindsight, I knew by the look on his face I wasn’t even going to get as far as explaining.
BF #2: Let’s set this scene up. He knows I’m depressed, because I told him and he said it’s cool cus I’ve been there. 3 months down the line, I’m suicidal and he just refuses to talk to me, and then 3 days later walks away.
No wait, I’m not done.
Potential Date #1: “You have depression, it won’t work – but you’re so awesome!”. Um, yeah okay.
Potential Date #2: Well I’m not really sure what happened here, but I’m 99% sure it’s because we discussed how I came to drop out of university, which is anxiety and panic attacks. Did not stop bringing this up for about 3 days and then just stopped talking to me.
I don’t know what it is with people. There is so much stigma attached to mental health maybe it’s that or maybe it’s that they don’t understand. But one thing’s for sure – it is so damn well unfair.
I don’t exactly go telling every Tom, Dick and Harry about my issues, these a friends – or guys I have talked to for a while before dating them – but at the same time, once someone is so close – the only way for them to be closer is to tell them. Or in case of relationships – I’d have to lie so much to a guy, in order to NOT tell them and lets face it, if a relationship is going to go the distance – one has to be honest.
I have to keep this constant balance and my friends, etc are categorised – The Trusted, The Keep A Safe Distance and well… upon thinking about this, the last one is pretty much The Stay Away From.
This means there are a very small percentage of my friends that I can truly be myself with. In a way, a lot of them hardly know me at all – but if they did, would they run? Chances sadly are – they probably would.
Not that I can exactly blame the people who do run. If I could run away from this – the depression, the PTSD, OCD, Anxiety, Child Abuse… I would. I’d run as far and as fast as I could. But I can’t, because I don’t have that choice.
Sometimes, envy them and the way they can just up and walk away from all this.
– Vin
Dangerously Tenacious 