TRIGGER WARNING – THIS POST CONTAINS REFERENCES OF (CHILDHOOD) SEXUAL ABUSE, PLEASE BE ADVISED BEFORE READING ANY FURTHER.
Today was the day I was 90% dreading – my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder assessment (which I mentioned in my last post). It was done over the phone and let me tell you, waiting for my phone to ring this morning was tense and nauseating.
At last it rang, I answered in my normal tone but I knew that wouldn’t last. To start off with we went through the normal depression/anxiety sheet (it’s a PHQ-9* if anyone needs to know) to see what my scores were like again (they often do two initial ones to make sure the first meeting didn’t skew the results) – which wasn’t that bad, I’ve done it before but I usually get to write on the sheet – which is much less intimidating than telling someone how you score each section over the phone.
That being done, we had to move on to the actual PTSD assessment – which means answering a lot of questions about the trauma you experienced and the after affects of it.
This was a lot of yes and no answers but some things needed clarifying.
It. was. horrible.
I hate HATE talking about the abuse – it’s hard, even to say “yes” or “no”. There’s long pauses before I even say one of those words sometimes, nevermind elaborate if necessary.
Of course I could have stopped at any time, but it’s much harder to start again if I did that.
Anyway – that assessment over. It’s confirmed that I have PTSD.
I still feel numb about this, even though I’ve had over a week warning that I may get this result, this diagnosis – I feel numb. I don’t know how to feel about it.
I’ve been to several different counsellors and seen mental health teams – but it has never once been suggested I could have PTSD until now. It baffles me how this can be. I’m angry that it hasn’t been detecting before – it seems (though may not but it seems this way to me) to render all my hard work to overcome things one by one moot. Why? Because PTSD untreated will always leave you vulnerable to depression, anxiety, OCD, etc.
I feel absolutely deflated despite been told how incredibly well I’ve done to overcome a lot of the things I have.
After ending the call – my tone distinctly quieter, shaker and voice breaking. I hang up.
I’m shaking.
There’s a lump in my throat.
I want to cry so bad.
I want to scrub myself clean.
But wait, what did she say the next step was? I have to do this again. Go through this again. Because therapy is exposure based – facing my fears. Those places I’m avoiding going because they remind me of him, the abuse. The people I avoid because they look like him – they smell like him. All of these things. I feel sick just thinking about it.
I understand the logic – the method of retraining your brain, I’ve done it many times with anxiety and OCD to overcome them but this? This is … too much. My brain is screaming, it’s slamming on the brakes and I feel a million miles out of my comfort zone. I hate it already.
50% of my brain knows this is a positive step to take that will help. The other 50% is wondering what the hell these people think they’re doing, after I’ve avoided these things for so long just to keep what’s left of my own sanity – to avoid spiralling out of control again – start self harming again, feeling suicidal again. What is wrong with these people?! Don’t they know horrible it feels, how nauseating it is, how dirty, how distressing, how maddening, how every single part of your body and mind screams?! I want to shake these people and ask them if they’ve lost it.
I don’t know how I’m going to cope with this exposure therapy. Of course I know full well everything will be controlled and I’ll be baby stepped through everything – but right now it’s one of the biggest, scariest things I can imagine doing on a personal level.
The rest of the morning and some of the afternoon was full of flashbacks, I eventually stopped shaking but crying isn’t yet out of the question.
Helpful PTSD Links:
– Vin
Dangerously Tenacious 